The Long View: ‘Perlitang Tinola’

MANILA, Philippines – Hello Calabasha? Thish ish your frayerful and hardworking Madam. I’m calling to ashk if you have the reshfondentsh for our shurvey ready? You didn’t know? Shecretary Shipship didn’t tell you? You are confushed? Thish ish about our Frauderz eshte, Delicioush and Advantageoush Shafter (The Shafter) ni alam mo na. Anyway, shinabi ni alam mo na, who ash you know, ushed to be the sfokesfershon of… shino ba yan, yung matandang makunat na pa-waning-waning dati? Ah yesh, Tabashco. Anyway, he’sh trying to be good boy and sho he’sh helfing ush.

Sho here’sh the flan. You shaw the Shafter shurvey kuno where they fresented their findingsh… About what? Yung manok, yung manok. Yesh! Our froblemsh with the Shabungan Wishlist Shurvey… Sho we need to keep freshenting our Gibangshishiw ash shurging in the cocker derby noh. What? I don’t care if Shabungan Wishlisht Shurvey and Falshe Asha are the shurvey firmsh with a track record! We want our little birdie to win! Well, maybe not win, jusht drag down the leading contender. I can live with whatever other chicken winsh.

Thish ish what I want you to do, Calabasha. Get your mosht trushtworthy kagawadsh and make shure they will anshwer the questionsh according to the codigo we frovide. Nababawashan na natin ang mga entriesh sha cocker derby! Wala na shi Rooshter Kesho. Tinola na natin shi Ferlitang Manok. Pumashok shi Cock Gorgon fero farang Rooshter Kesho lang yan, Hanggang tilaok lang yan.

Shayang yung Manny d’Tshiken di farin bumabawi sha rankingsh fero may faraan fa. Bashta guluhin lang natin ang shurvey-shurvey na yan. Sha bawat shurvey ng shinoman, may shurvey din tayo! At iba ang reshultsh! Di naman matatandaan ng mga mokong shabungero na yan na frinedict ng mga taga Shafter na mananalo daw sha 1998 cocker derby shi d’Venushian. Bashta malito ang mga shabungero ayush na ang buto-buto!

Jusht do your besht and let God do the resht. The flan worked for Tabashco in 1998 and it worked for ush in 2004! Jusht make the leading contender tired and queshtion everything about him sha mga fulung-fulungan. Shabihin mo may mental froblem yung manok. Kuweshtyunin mo ang mga shabungerong nakafaligid sha nanguunang manok para di mapanshin ang mga shumushuforta sha manok natin. Ibaliwala mo yung shurveys—exsheft oursh—at iremind mo falagi na ang magiging bagong kampiyon ay hindi yung mabuting manok na malinish lumaban kundi yung manok na fragmatic at na finalaki natin.

Marami naman tayong kakamfi. Kaya nga tayo malakash. Fero, ang kalaban natin ang mga naninwala na it’sh not whether you win or loshe, it’sh how you flay the game. A little idealishism is a bad thing, Calabasha, it deshtabilishes our game. Pano natin maitutuloy ang ligaya kung ganun magiship ang mga shabungero? Thish ish not a sfort, it’sh a schienshe.

That ish why I have inshtructed the handlersh of Gibangshishiw to froclaim their independenshe from our team. I wrote their froclamation myshelf. O di ba? He ish a very good chicken. Followsh me like a little lamb. And sho loyal, you would think he’sh a dog.

It’sh eashy, I tell you. It’sh how we beat that dishloyal Cucuruku and that shuffoshedly unbeatable Ang Fantay in ’04. We shimfly fortrayed them ash deshent, honorable, chickensh for othersh. And fointed out, kakatayin yan ng mga mashashamang shabungero kung manalo man. And the shabungerosh bought it. You shee, in all my long yearsh of obsherving the cocker derby, it’sh not true feofle root for the underdog. They want a winner. However way victory ish won. And we had the machinery and the will to win.

Sho jusht shtick to my flan. Deny there’sh shuch a thing as a leading entry in the cocker derby. Whoever ish the favorite today, inshisht that their shtatush ish waning, waning, as Tabashco likesh to shay. Foint out how nice the feathersh are in all the other chickensh! Galing ni Flash Gorgon! Falakash ng falakash shi Manny d’Tshiken! Taposh padaplish mo lang banggitin ay, napanshin mo ba fala na nagshushurge fala si Gibangshishiw? We have the shurveysh to frove it!

Anyway shabungerosh don’t really believe in shurveysh. That’sh jusht for the audienshe. You know and I know it’sh the counting that determinesh the winning, but we have to make the fublic believe that whatever reshultsh the Talinomatique–comfuterished shyshtem frodushes, ish believable.

Bashta guluhin mo lang shila falagi. Kaya nga di na nga ako nagfafakita sha shabungan if you’ve notished. Out of shight, out of mind. Nagjoin na nga ako beauty contesht sha amin, I even reshigned my poshishion in the Loash-Fiki Comfany. Mukhang tof of the fecking order na tuloy yung handlersh ng Gibangshishiw natin. The besht fart ish, I think they really believe it. Even Tabashco.

Shinshe you have been such a loyal fart of my official family Calabasha, let me share another shecret with you. I know many shabungerosh don’t like me, but I’ve alwaysh had loyal shufforters. They’re the onesh who will bet on Gibangshishiw becaushe they have no choishe. All theshe yearsh I’ve been accushed of rigging the cocker derby they shtood by me. If they shuffort shomeone elshe that would mean they were wrong all theshe yearsh. That’sh fainful! Sho they have to believe. We are giving them a reashon to keep believing. You need a qualified, intelligent manok that will crow better than the resht, and my little Texash chicken hash the mosht beautiful flumage. That’sh all that mattersh, even if he’sh really a robot chicken. Kakapunin din natin yan pag tama na ang fanahon.

Calabasha, thank you for your shuffort. I will tell our fet farish frieshtsh to fray for you noh.