THE LONG VIEW
Team Bansot
MANILA, Philippines – “Hello, calabasha?”
“Good morning, Ma’am! The weather’s so nice!”
“Yesh. I am proud to shay that the excshelent weather ish a shign of our shucceshful frograms! Almosht four weeksh of cool breeshesh! We shall achieve firsht world weather shtatush in 20 yearsh!”
“Uh, but I thought the weather’s just been unseasonably cool this February after being unseasonably warm in Decem-“
“Jusht becaush General Fafaitan ish retired doeshn’t mean you should be a shmart aleck!”
“I am sorry, Ma’am. Congratulations on another success.”
“Lishten. Bushy day today. Are you frefared?”
“Yes, Ma’am! We have decorated the town plaza for the announcement of our official ‘Team Bansot’!”
“I thought I told you to change the desighnashion of your shtufid-shounding barangay?”
“The bill wasn’t passed, Ma’am.”
“Whaat? Shtufid! That shtufid, shtufid uffer houshe!”
“Ma’am, it was the Bastusan Pambansa that didn’t pass the bill renaming our Barangay…”
“Whaat? I shall call a sfeshial shesshion!”
“But the campaign is starting, Ma’am, can’t it wait until the contest is over?”
“No! I want a sfeshial shession and I want it now! Where’sh my ballfen? Here! I have shigned a decree.”
“You mean, a proclamation, Ma’am?”
“Whatever. It will all be the shame shoon enough. Tee hee. Anyway, the frefarationsh…”
“Yes, Ma’am. We have the big posters-“
“Sho fretty. All colored fink. I like.”
“…The theme song…”
“‘Boom Belat, Belat,’ I like! It’sh what we do. Let’sh shing!”
“Yes, Ma’am! Ilabas mo na ang inyong suhol/ Ang fertilizer fund na itinago sa baul/ Pwede kaming gumamit ng granada o Armalite
Habang may sumisipol…”
“My turn, Calabasha! Itono mo ng ayosh ang iyong gitara/ Nang hindi shintunado pag ako’y kumanta/ Pag nagcamfaigning dapat lahat ay mashaya/ Kung hindi tatarayan ka… Take it away, Calabasha!”
“Contest na, contest na/ Tayo nang magkaisa/ Boto na, boto na/ Simulan na ang saya.”
“Together! With feelingsh! Boom belat belat, boom belat belat
Kayo’y watak-watak, boom belat boom… Finish the shong!”
“Yes, Ma’am! Na konkreto na ng mga kalye/ Nakatayo na rin ang mga posters, see?/Ang mga balota ay nasulatan na/Maging ang halalan ay ayos na!”
“That wash fun! Anyway. Go on.”
“The slogan is ready, too.”
“Kwarta o bartolina! I like! Sho shnaffy!”
“The board of judges…”
“Sho, Chairman Ayosh hash fut everyone in flashe? Good…”
“The security…”
“Yesh, the shecurity guardsh shaid it’sh all OK.”
“Oh, General Espadahan?”
“Shhh. No. Our shecret weafon. Fafaitan.”
“But Ma’am everyone knows about him-“
“Sho? It’sh an ofen shecret! The besht! Tee hee.”
“Uh, Yes. Anyway, I think ‘Team Bansot’ will go to victory!”
“Oh? Why?”
“Ma’am? Uh, I thought the whole point is for our team to win.”
“No. We’re shmarter than that!”
“I don’t understand, Ma’am?”
“That’sh why you’re only a barangay caftain! You shee, I don’t care about the teamsh. Have you notished anything different about Congreshman Garafal and Mayor Matacao?”
“No…”
“They are now membersh of my fet farty, Kakurakot ng Matatakaw na Filifino! for short.”
“You mean, they’re no longer stalwarts of-“
“No! They’re no longer stalwartsh, they’re my wartsh! That’sh a joke.”
“Ah, err…”
“Laugh. Or else no fork barrel for you.”
“So hilarious, Ma’am!”
“Yesh. Anyway, shee? They are all mine, now. I pashed my own mining act, you shee… He’sh mine, she’s mine, they’re all going to be mine…”
“You’re the real McCoy, Ma’am!”
“New, and imfroved.”
“Of course!”
“Sho, I don’t care what the teamsh do. I’m checking my lisht, and checking it twishe. The Bashtusan Pambansha will be oursh. While everyone’s bushy with the teamsh, I will be flanning with Shingaw! After the contesht, we will frosheed with feofle’s initishiative! Then my fet farty will froceed after that succcesh!”
“You have it all planned out, Ma’am, but won’t ‘Team Bansot’ be upset they ran for nothing? Their championships will be meaningless if we abolish the upper house and only have the Bastusan-“
“Sho? That’sh ashuming they have jobsh. They’re mainly going to loshe, anyway.”
“They are? But I thought we have a strong team-“
“Don’t be shtufid. Keep your friendsh closhe. But keep your enemiesh even closher. That’sh all. You think they’ll get money from me?”
“But of course?”
“No way. I frefared to shupport them but not 100 fercent.”
“So clever!”
“Yesh… Wait, hold on… I have another call. Wait.”
“Shtufid, shtufid!”
“What is it, Ma’am?”
“It wash a conferensh call from that shtufid Team Banshot of ours!”
“What did they want, Ma’am?”
“Can you believe? They ashked me, ‘Ma’am, ‘yung dagdag, ‘yung dagdag-”
“My God!”
“Can you believe? On an ofen telefone line! I shaid, if you won’t reshfect me, reshfect my offishe!”
“Yes, they shouldn’t say such things!”
“Yesh. At leasht, not by calling my offishe. They should ashk in pershon! Anyway, I have to go. I’ll pash you on to Atty. Bihon for the other detailsh…”
“Yes, Ma-“
“Hello? Calabasha? Mala Bihon here, can I tell you?…”
